Do You Have What It Takes to Work at Casa Bonita?

South Park’s Matt Stone and Trey Parker are hiring. WRITTEN AND ILLUSTRATED BY PETER MOORE

In Sunday’s column for the Colorado Sun, I took a look at the latest project by the South Park creators. For years, they had their abrasive cast of devil-children make fun of a Colorado culinary institution named Casa Bonita, and then they bought the place after it failed during the pandemic. Now they’re hiring, in anticipation of a spring re-opening. Tired of quiet quitting? Maybe it’s time for you to loudly apply for a new job, in Lakewood, Colorado.

COLORADO GOVERNOR JARED POLIS and Executive Chef Dana “Loca” Rodriguez announced last week that 550 new jobs were on offer at Lakewood’s revived and renovated Casa Bonita. Want to work there? We lifted these job qualifications verbatim from the Casa Bonita website, under listings for “Entertainer (Dry)” and “Entertainer (Wet).” Applicants please note: Your prospective boss admits to the nickname “Loca,” and Casa Bonita’s new owners — South Park’s Matt Stone and Trey Parker — made the restaurant the focus of a juvenile kidnapping in season seven, episode 11.

But if you love what you do, is it really work?

Interviews in March, training in April, face Cartman and his hungry little pals in May!

Job requirements include:

• “Immersive and improv performances to prescribed tracks.”

• “Puppeteering”

• “Staged stunts,

staged romance [#metoo #ick],

or choreographed combat

including jumping in pool from up to 16 feet.”

• “Must be able to balance on one foot and hold arms above your head.”

• “Many of the skits require running around the stage or climbing on the rocks. It may include stooping, kneeling, crouching, crawling, or climbing on the rocks around the pool.”

• “Able to deal with potentially impatient or unpleasant guests who may have been in line for hours.”

• “Must have a good sense of humor and the ability to laugh at the absurdities of life.”

Click here to apply!

For bonus hilarity that wouldn’t fit in this ‘stack (there’s a size limit — what the hell?), click here.